To Kill A Redhead
by t3h maniac
Summary: What happens when the FF7 girls tire of Reno's antics? A cunning plan is forged. Multichapter, review please. Chapter 7 is up! yay!
1. Blondes have more fangirls

**To Kill A Red Head**

Disclaimer: I do not own any FF characters, scenes, scenery, locations. If I did, I could quit my education and live solely on the money the games generate,

**Summary:** The girls of FF7 have had enough. It's time for them to remove the biggest pain there is. Reno. My first multi-chapter fanfic

**Chapter 1. Blonds Have More Fan girls**

It was a dark night, clouds covered the sky so not even the stars could shine through, monsters prowled the plains surrounding Midgar hoping for a lost traveller to stray into their paths for dinner, the sea was surprisingly calm despite the storms that cover the world but this does not focus on how well the lifestream is coping with the pressure of human life on Gaia, no. This story takes a look into the lives of 4 young women and one man who's life is about to be cut short if they have anything to do with it.

This is a story about 4 girls trying to kill Reno.

---

In a small village of Kalm, about 10 miles from Midgar a blond in a blue suit walked up to the counter of the local inn, she was carrying what looked to be a black suitcase.

"Umm, my friends had reserved a room for me" she said nervously. The innkeeper nodded and allowed her to walk upstairs, they were expecting her for the meeting.

She held out a hand-written note in her left palm, walked up to a door on her left and knocked once. "Who's there?" came the high-pitched reply

"Ele-"

"Use the codename!" the person behind the door whispered

Elena sighed, she hated the codename and the others hated theirs except for Yuffie. She was the one who came up with the whole code idea and was adamant about everyone else using it. "Blondzilla" she eventually said, the lock on the door clicked open and Elena entered the room.

There were two others in the room apart from her that she could see, one was in a long pink dress and heels with her brown hair tied by a bow in the back, the other was raven haired and slightly shorter, although that's because she was wearing boots instead of high heels, she was also in a tank top which was straining to hold her very large breasts, a pair of short shorts and finally , sporting a pair of black leather gloves which were always used by her to tell the world "I mean business"

The door was shut behind Elena and she breathed a sigh of relief that she could finally use their real names instead of that hyper-active ninja's stupid code. "Hi Tifa, hi Aeris"

Aeris was the one who responded with a cheerful wave to Elena who placed the black suitcase on the bed and took out a laptop. Yuffie, the teenage ninja jumped up onto one of the other beds. "So are we going to get down to business now or what?" she asked, barely controlling her excitement. "Okay I think we're ready now" responded Tifa who put up a small screen which Aeris had pointed a projector at, "lets get this meeting started!"

"Ladies of Gaia," Tifa said in the tone of a general about to lead his team into battle, "for too long have we had to put up with indecent flirting, wolf whistles and plans to get us drunk so we become easy!" "You go girl" came the response from Yuffie, Tifa carried on regardless. "And now… It is time for us to take sweet revenge on the main perpetrator of these acts" she clicked her fingers, Elena pushed a button on her computer and an image of a red-headed male filled the projector screen "Reno! This chain-smoking, binge drinking scourge of the planet is the biggest pain in the ass. So… we ladies, are gonna kill him." Tifa concludes with a smile on her face at the thought of a world without Reno

"but wait" Aeris says in a quiet voice "If we kill Reno, wouldn't that leave a void in the time-flirt continuum?" Tifa continues to smile "That's the beauty of this plan, if we kill him, another, more attractive flirter is bound to come the fill the void. People like, Irvine Kinneas" The picture of a brown haired sharpshooter filled the screen now causing Aeris and Yuffie to "ahh" and "ooh"

"That is some hottie" Yuffie says before Tifa continues here speech "or, Balthier…" A picture of a well dressed, sky pirate was now on screen, causing Elena to let out a small "Squeeee"

"And finally, there's this guy" A blonde thief had taken Balthiers face, although he had a tail it was not stopping any of the girls from drooling at the sight of him.

"Zidane Tribal" Tifa manages to say before the 3 others eruption chorus of "Squeeee!" so loud that the person who was staying next door shouted through the wall to tell the girls to keep it down

The picture faded as the projector was turned off causing Yuffie to moan in disappointment, she wasn't done checking out the thief. "So" Tifa said as calm as possible "do you understand the mission?" "YES MAM" was the rousing response

---

A/N: Review please


	2. Phoenix down! Phoenix down!

**To Kill A Red Head Chapter 2**

**Phoenix Down! Phoenix Down!**

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own FF7, its characters, its locations, its scenes, although I'm saving up for the buster sword**

Tifa was getting impatient, Aeris said she had the perfect plan to get rid of Reno, exploiting the fact that the Turks were after Sephiroth and Cloud

"So what's the big plan?" Asked Elena

"Okay, here's how it's going to work, since two of the Turks have a crush on me…"

"Aeris loves Tseng!" chimed Yuffie

"Shut up! I do not!" said Aeris defensively "anyway, my plan is to lure the Turks to the forgotten city"

"Why?"

"Because… I have recruited some help for this plan" Aeris turns around "You can come out now Sephiroth!"

Stepping out of the shadows, the Silver haired swordsman revealed himself

Tifa was not amused "Why the fuck we have to get help from him?!?!"

Aeris smiled "Because he is going to stab Reno through the heart for us"

Tifa calmed down "I'm listening"

Aeris hoped there would be no more interruptions " Okay, basically I run off. Cloud and you lot follow me, Elena, you prompt the Turks to also follow me"

Yuffie was looking perplexed "umm. I don't get it"

"Don't worry" Sephiroth said calmly "Reno will" And with that all five of them commenced in an evil laugh.

---

The forgotten city was beautiful, especially near the secret alter where Aeris was kneeling. The plan was to get Reno to come towards the alter, to be stabbed by a descending Sephiroth who had a set time to decend, however it was not going to plan when Cloud reached the City

Ring Ring

"Stupid phone" Yuffie snorted before pulling it out and answering it "Hello?"

"Yuffie we got problems"

"Elena?"

"Reno's still in Wutai"

"WHAT?"

"He's saying that nothing is going to ruin his vacation" Yuffie started to panic, if there was no Reno, Sephiroth would have no other target except…

"Shit" was the last thing she said before hanging up and quickly dialing another number "Aeris! The flames are in Wutai!"

"What are you talking about Yuffie?"

"Abort the fucking mission! Reno isn't here but Cloud is!"

"Fuck!"

The next thing she heard on the phone was the sound of Sephiroth running his sword through Aeris, there would be hell to pay for that silver boy. Yuffie started franticly searching her pack "come on… please… yes! Phoenix downs!" She dived into the lake which Cloud dropped Aeris into and pulled her out before applying the tuft to the flower girl's chest.

"Yuffie? What the hell?" Aeris exclaimed upon waking up

"Sephy screwed up"

"Oh that bitch is going down!" She got up and started to walk away only to be tackled by Tifa

"Not so fast" there was an evil grin on her face "since everyone thinks you're dead except for us 2 and Elena. We can have a little fun with you"

"Finally" Aeris said "Do you know how much torture its been for me to go 2 months without doing anything kinky or remotley sexy?" The 3 of them smile at each other before they all shed thier clothes and dive in the lake


	3. Hard Times

-1**Chapter 3: Hard Times (innuendo alert)**

Disclaimer: same as it ever was

"Okay so my plan didn't work that well" Aeris says nursing her chest which still had a puncture mark "But at least I gave it a go, what did any of you lot do?"

"well"

"I was thinking about"

"I spiked his morning coffee with Viagra"

The 3 girls quickly turned to Elena "really?"

The blond just smiled "yup, and he's got a meeting with Tseng and Rufus today!"

"Oh that is evil Elena"

"I know"

"Can't wait to see the look on his face"

"But wait" Tifa interrupted, "how does that get us any closer to killing him"

"it's a physiological attack" Elena said "we break his mind before breaking his body"

"Aww" Yuffie moaned "its no fun if they're just moping around like Vin-Vin"

"Yuffie and Vincent sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G" sang Aeris while Tifa giggled

"You have such a **HUGE** crush on him Yuffie"

"Do Not!"

"Do to!"

"Do not!"

"Do to!"

"Enough!" Shouted Tifa, getting wary of all the talk about Mr. not-a-vampire-but-emo-clown "So, anyway we can see the effects Elena?"

"Yup, I'll take in a miniature camera to work with me"

"Okay, see you Blondzilla!"

Sigh, "Goodbye Yuffie"

---

The Shinra Turk department (or Turkeys as yuffie refers to them) was a maze of cubicles, with Tseng's office as the predominant feature nearest the exit. But today's main attraction was the shriek that came from Reno's area when he discovered phase 1 of operation "fire extinguisher".

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MISTER HAPPY?!"

Elena Smirked, this would provide hours of entertainment for everyone.


	4. A Moogle's Ransom

**To Kill A Red Head**

**Chapter5**

**A Moogle's Ransom**

****

**Disclaimer**: I do not own FF7 okay. If I did, Aeris would still be alive and there would be a threesome scene with Cloud or Yuffie at the end of the game

"THAT BASTARD!" Elena screamed, she was obviously not in a good mood, even after the pleasure of watching Reno walk through the Shin-ra offices with a large erection.

"What did he do?" Tifa asked, Yuffie and Aeris shook their heads as they knew this would lead into a lengthy rant about why she thinks all men are pigs

"HE KIDNAPPED MISTER MOOGLE!" Elena shouted before breaking into tears on her bed

Mister Moogle was her favourite childhood toy of all time, even when she signed up for the Turk Training program (yes it was called "Turk Training", the capital "T" is intentional, well it wasn't but some paper pusher wanted to get home early by letting this grammatical error slide) she brought the cuddly toy with her. She hid him in her office to help her get through the day, without Mr Moogle… no-one knew what she would turn into.

"He didn't" Yuffie gasped

"He did" Elena cried, "he left a ransom note where mister Moogle was too" she handed Tifa a tear-soaked note

"If you want to see Mr Fluffy, I mean Mr Moogle, bring the antidote to the Shin-ra back entrance" She read straight off the note "Oh that is it!"

"antidote?" Aeris asked, ever since the disastrous attempt at Ancient Capital to kill Reno, she had been left out of the loop, not to mention raped the odd time by Yuffie and Tifa. Well not so much raped as she took it willingly. (A/N): you know what, I'm going to stop there before I have to up the rating okay?

"It turns out it wasn't Viagra I spiked Reno's drink with"

"What did you spike it with?" Asked Yuffie, for once out of the loop

"Boing"

"Boing?"

"Boing"

The 3 girls took a while to think before Tifa registered what Elena was saying "You don't mean 'Boing' the Virility enhancement drug that is 10 times stronger than Viagra do you?"

"Yes"

"Oh my God!"

"No wonder he wants an antidote"

"Is there an antidote?"

"I thought it was a 10 hour sex-a-thon that was the antidote?"

"GILRS!" Elena shouted so loud that the other 3 shut up instantly "He has kidnapped Mr Moogle, this crime is unforgivable, no more messing around! Reno must DIE!"

A/N: another short chapter, I had to keep this going,


	5. Look! A distraction materia!

**To Kill A Red Head chapter 5**

**Look! A Distraction Materia!**

A/N: Haven't done this in a while, I really should finish one multi chapter before starting the next but whatever.

* * *

Reno was out for a cigarette break, he had managed to work out that between his toilet breaks, food breaks, flirting breaks, cigarette breaks and coffee breaks, he only had to do 30 minutes of work.

He casually looked over his shoulder to see something dangling from a string. "Is that… materia?" He asked to himself before going in for a closer look.

It was indeed a piece of materia, summon materia at that. The rarest of the rare. Slowly moving towards the orb, he reached out his hand to pull out the orb.

Meanwhile in the shadows on the opposite side of the road 4 young women were lurking with keen interest.

"You sure this is going to work Ti-" Aeris began

"Use the code!" Yuffie interrupted

"Fine! You sure this is going to work DD?"

"Yuffie I swear to god I am going to rip out your clit if you make us use the code anymore" Tifa mumbled angrily, she was putting on her gloves. She meant it.

"Okay, Okay!" Yuffie panicked. There had only been two people subjected to that method of punishment, one was dead and the other has been in hospital.

"So are you sure this will work Tifa?" Aeris continued

"Yes, he grabs the materia, the piano positioned on the windowsill of the Shinra building falls on him and if he survives I kick him"

"Okay…"

"Hey how come you're the only one who gets to kick Reno, I want to kick Reno!" Shrieked Elena. Reno looked in the girls' direction but shrugged his shoulders and made slowly for the materia

"Fine, we'll all kick him together" Tifa conceded

"Pick a body part" Aeris snickered

"I call the groin" Tifa quickly responded causing for the other girls to moan in disappointment. "Now be quiet, he's about to take the bait.

Reno slowly reached for the crimson orb before pausing, his fingers mere centimetres away from the Shiva materia.

"Huh?" he had noticed Hojo leaving the building in a bad mood, when he was in a bad mood he took it out on everyone else. It was best to flee.

"Awww" The girls complained in unison before they were interrupted by the sound of a falling Piano.

Hojo had grabbed the materia and the Piano had begun its decent, straight onto his skull crushing him

"it's a consolation prize" Aeris prompted

"Agreed, everyone hated that bastard." Tifa conceded

"I'm…. I'm not dead yet!" Hojo moaned from under the Piano, reaching out he emerged from the ruins of the musical instrument barely alive.

"Shall we?" Asked Elena to the rest of the group and without warning, Tifa mercilessly kicked Hojo in the Groin making him collapse in pain, Aeris kicked him in the back, stabbing him with her stiletto heels, Yuffie's boot started to stomp at his head while Elena's shoe crushed his neck.

It may have only been a consolation prize, but killing Hojo is always fun

* * *

A/N: There getting a bit more vicous now, watch your back Reno! 


	6. It doesn't pay to be Rude

**To Kill A Red Head chapter 6**

**It doesn't pay to be Rude**

A/N: I'm back people, This hasn't been updated in a while and. I just can't seem to get much more out of this premise. I have limited the number of characters and to have them fail so often really takes its toll on the originality of each chapter. I may update more frequently if I receive suggestions in my reviews.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything apart from the premise and plot (if they are not the same thing).

* * *

Hojo's funeral was deserted. No-one cared for the scientist much. A few executives had to show up as per their job description but its not important right now.

What is important is that operation fire-extinguisher had a new idea.

"So… what's the plan this time 'Laney?" Yuffie asked.

"Reno still has Mr. Moogle and plan Wile. E. Coyote failed" Elena replied coolly "So to get to that piece of scum, we're going to have to kidnap someone close to him."

"You mean anyone who'll remove their panties for 5 dollars?" Aeris asked, the four of them just broke out in laughter before Elena regained her composure.

"Hell No! Tifa won't let us kidnap her" Elena, Yuffie and Aeris broke out in laughter again before Tifa silenced them. By force.

"OWW Quit it! I'm sorry!" Elena screamed as Tifa pulled her round the room by her hair. Yuffie had quickly jumped onto the ceiling supposedly out of reach while Aeris quickly hid underneath the bed leaving Elena as the only viable target for her aggression.

When she was certain Elena had learnt her lesson of not to call her, or even _imply_ that she may be a slut, she dropped the blond down. Her hair now in a mess.

"You can come out now Aeris." Tifa called. "You were saying Elena?"

"Right…" A hint of fear now in the blonde's voice "We are going to kidnap his drinking buddy, Rude."

"Isn't he the one with the crush on me?"

"The one who communicates in dots?"

"The guy with the sunglasses fused to his face?

"Yeah, that guy" Elena confirmed

"So how are we going to kidnap him?"

"Glad you asked that Tifa"

---

"Lighten up yo" Reno said, slightly slurring. Rude was sitting next to him as stoic as always.

"…"

"Come on man! At least say something!"

"…"

"Maybe you just need to get laid yo." Reno concluded before ordering another round

"What makes you think I need to get laid Reno?" Rude replied, startling his red-headed partner

"Damn yo! I didn't know you could speak!"

"Reno…"

"shhhh, I gotta sneak out of paying the bill" Reno slurred. He fell off his stool and crawled out of the bar leaving his partner to pay.

"Bartender… put it all on Reno's tab"

Tifa was sitting in the far corner of the bar, it was too risky to just kill Reno here, too many witnesses. Waiting until Reno had left she casually sat next to Rude.

"Hey big man" she said in a seductive tone. Rude's head snapped towards her by instinct, his heart was racing. His crush was sitting next to him and _flirting _with him. She was supposed to be married to Cloud! If he ever caught wind of this he was a dead man.

"Hello….Tifa" he managed to say, Tifa just laughed

"Am I making you nervous Rude?"

"…maybe"

"Do you mind if I buy you a round?"

"…"

"I'll take that as a no then shall I?"

"…Tifa."

"Yes Rude?"

"Why are you doing this for me?"

"Hey! I'm allowed to have some fun aren't I?"

"…"

"And since we're not enemies any more, maybe we could have a little" she leaned in to whisper in his ear "fun"

Rude was now visibly shaken, he quickly took the drink and downed it in one, not noticing the small pill Tifa had dropped in the drink. At first he started to become calm, relaxing. Then he started to drift off to sleep on the bar

"Oops" Tifa said to the bartender "Guess that last drink was one too many, I'll take him home." Using her strength she hauled Rude onto her shoulders and carried her out of the bar and into a dark alleyway

"He looks so cute when he's unconscious" Yuffie commented

"I know! Better get him to the room before he wakes up"

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *

A/N: Reviews are much apreciated 


	7. Fair exchange is no murder

**To kill a Red head 7**

**Fair exchange is no murder**

**Disclaimer: ****FF7 not mine**

A/N: I'm back, this seems to be my most popular work and since I did leave a cliff hanger so…

* * *

Reno's desk was a mess, it always was but this time there was something sticking out from the mess. A ransom note.

"We have Rude. Bring the moogle to Kalm at 9 pm. Come alone. Or else." he read out. He quickly dialled a number on the desk phone

"Tseng sir?"

"What is it this time Reno?"

"Rude got kidnapped."

"…" Tseng's heavy breathing was easily audible to Reno.

"Tseng?"

"What does the ransom note say?"

"It wants me to go to Kalm at 9pm alone."

"Do what you must, report back when all is over" Tseng hung up

--- The other side of the plot

Rude woke up in a pitch black room, he tried to move but found he had been handcuffed and then tied down with rope. What the hell happened last night?

"You're awake" said a feminine voice

"Where…" Rude mumbled "What…"

"There will be no room for questions, you're friend is coming soon" The voice replied

"Tifa?"

A laugh was heard "Possibly, possibly not"

"Why?"

"Revenge, why else?"

"But. I thought you were over your hatred of the Turks!"

"Who said this was about the Turks? It only involves removing an annoyance."

"Reno?"

"Exactly"

Rude's mind was racing, Tifa, or whoever it was who paid Tifa to drug him. He was sure it was Tifa who drugged him because no amount of surgery could create the chest Tifa has, they don't make silicon implants that big. 'Stop thinking with the wrong head man!' His mind screeched.

He would have to think of an elaborate escape plan before whenever Reno was coming to trade himself for him.

---

"So do you think the big man's worried that we're gonna hurt him?" Yuffie asked.

"No, but he knows that I'm involved in some way." Tifa replied

"So what was he like in bed?" Elena asked.

"WHAT?!"

"You did do it together before you drugged him right?" Aeris asked

" I DID NOT! ALL I DID WAS PUT THE PILL IN HIS DRINK!"

"Okay, no need to shout miss boobs"

"Shut it Yuffie."

"Yes mistress"

"Grrrr"

The streets in Kalm were mainly quiet and empty. Even during the day it was quiet. Apart from one red head.

Reno was waiting for Rude's kidnappers to show up, in one hand was his EMR, in the other. Elena's cherished Mister Moogle.

"Mister Reno. Did you get my package?"

"Yeah"

"Do you have Mister Moogle?"

"Right here 'Laney, where's Rude?"

"That's for us to know and for you to find out"

"Wait, you got a whole team in on this 'Laney? It was only retaliation for spiking my drink with that weird shit."

"And that's all you need to know, give me back Mister Moogle NOW!"

"Okay, crazy bitch" Reno threw the stuffed toy towards Elena, who caught it and instantly snuggled it. He couldn't help but snicker at this scene "so where's the big man?"

Elena clicked her fingers together and Rude was pushed out of the shadows with a Hood on his head

"You really pushed out the boat for this one 'Laney"

"Elena?" Rude asked, his voice muffled by the hood.

"A deal's a deal Reno, he's yours, but if there is _one piece _of stuffing missing, one piece of thread snapped off, you will pay big time."

"You are seriously messed up 'Laney"

And with that she disappeared

"Rude?" He asked taking off the hood.

"I was kidnapped by Elena? Then why did Tifa…"

"Shit man, you been fooling 'round with Strife's girl? This will probably be easy street compared to what happens when he finds out!"

"…" It was clear that Reno wasn't listening

"What's with this dust? It looks like talcum powder?"

"…"

---

"So he knows that we're out to get him?"

"Not yet, if he does, then the spiked coffee for tomorrow and the amnesia dust should take effect"

"Amnesia dust? It looks like talcum powder?"

"Shut up Aeris."

**A/N: So there was no attempts on Reno's life and pretty much a cop out to explain away the next few chapters but it solved my writers block problem**


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